Gundam America
by Babog
Summary: Just a short joke fic. MEGA Relena bashing. *Complete!* Just PG for a cuss word here and there.
1. Show time in Japan!

This is my first fic, it's really short and supposed to be funny. Hope you like it! Also beware of OOCness.  
  
Disclaimer: No I don't own Gundam Wing. *Mutters* But if I had my way. . .  
  
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Duo: "Hello America!"  
  
Wufei: "Duo, we're in Japan."  
  
Duo: "Oh, right"  
  
Duo: "Hello Japan!"  
  
Wufei: "It's too late Duo! You screwed it up!"  
  
Duo: "Well, it looks like some one took their grouch pills this morning."  
  
Wufei: "Maxwell, I'm going to kill you!"  
  
Duo: "AAAA!!!"  
  
Quatre: "Um, Trowa would you?"  
  
Trowa: "Yeah, Good after noon Japan. We have interrupted this regular T.V. program because . . . Heck, we know why, it's because Relena made us."  
  
Quatre: "Trowa!"  
  
Trowa: "Any ways, we have a special announcement ~ "  
  
Duo: "Hey people! I'm back!"  
  
Wufei: "You mean we're back baka."  
  
Trowa: "You guys are interrupting."  
  
Wufei: "Okay then let's get this over with, our special announcement is . . . Hey, what is it Relena's forcing us to announce again?"  
  
Quatre: "Wufei!"  
  
Trowa: "I don't know, I never listen or read her speeches."  
  
Quatre: "Trowa!"  
  
Trowa: "Quatre will you stop?"  
  
Heero: "Give me the announcement."  
  
Duo: "I thought you weren't going to say anything Heero."  
  
Heero: "I wasn't, you guys are taking to long. Read the speech and get it over with."  
  
Quatre: "Yes, please get on with it. I'm sure Relena took a long time to make this interesting announcement."  
  
Duo: "Wait Quatre, weren't you the one who said 'let's hope this one doesn't last till the end of the millennium?"  
  
Quatre: ~ Smack ~  
  
Duo: "Ow!"  
  
Quatre: ". . ."  
  
Wufei: "Braided baka."  
  
Trowa: "As I was saying, the special announcement sent out by Relena Peacecraft. Ahem. It is a wonderful event that has been waiting to happen for years, and now it is being let out to the public ~ "  
  
Duo: "I've heard speeches from college professors more interesting than this. College Professors!"  
  
Wufei: Heero: Quatre: "Shut up Duo!"  
  
Duo: "Geez, fine. You don't have to bite my head off."  
  
Trowa: " ~ A date has been set. Waiting for this day has been torturous to all. But things are falling in to place ~ "  
  
Wufei: "Can we skip the babble? I mean really, who wants to hear this stuff?"  
  
Trowa: "Don't worry I'm browsing."  
  
Duo: "Thank God."  
  
Trowa: "Um, okay. Here we go. And in conclusion I'm so proud to announce that Relena Peacecraft and Heero Yuy shall finally be married on the twenty- third of May."  
  
Trowa, Quatre, Duo, Wufei: ". . ."  
  
Heero: " . . . ! " ~Whump~  
  
Quatre: ". . . Um, can we go to a commercial?"  
  
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Well? What did you think? R&R!!! 


	2. Is that the witch?

Hey everyone! I want to thank all the people who reviewed. I didn't think you would, -sniff- I feel so emotional -sniff-. Anyways, I also want to thank Shingiami gal for her ideas to help the story. Sorry about Trowa being a little OOC, I'll try to watch that. Just so you know I will not let Relena get away with her announcement. -Grins evilly- You will pay Relena! So, on with the show! Er, erm, story.  
  
Disclaimer for all to read and laugh at me. If I owned Gundam Wing would I do this? -Sticks her tongue out at the owners of Gundam Wing- Or this? -Grabs Heero and gives him a big kiss- Oh wait, yes I would. Well, I still don't own it!  
  
Gundam America.  
  
-Coming back from commercial-  
  
Quatre straightens some papers he's holding, looking at the camera nervously. Heero , now conscious, is glaring full force.  
  
Quatre: "Um, welcome back. That was some, uh, interesting news."  
  
Duo: "And all new to us! Can I be your best man Heero?"  
  
Heero: Pulls out his gun and points it at Duo. "I'm going to kill you!"  
  
Duo: "Yipe!" Hides behind Quatre.  
  
Trowa: Shakes his head. "What was she thinking?"  
  
Wufei: "That onna doesn't have the word 'think' in her vocabulary."  
  
Quatre: "Uh, guys, we are on air here."  
  
Heero: Puts his gun away. "Hn."  
  
Wufei: "Duo stop hiding you wuss!"  
  
Duo: "I'm not hiding, I'm protecting myself."  
  
Wufei: "By standing behind Quatre?"  
  
Duo: ". . ." Goes back to his seat but not before moving it a little away from Heero.  
  
Quatre: "I'm going to continue reading some minor points of this."  
  
Wufei: "How about the part that she was going to tell Yuy?"  
  
Duo: "Probably on the Honeymoon."  
  
Heero:Trowa:Wufei: -Smack!-  
  
Duo: "OOWWWIIEEE!!!!"  
  
Quatre: "Let's see, there's going to be a guest list of about four hundred people, the menu has been chosen and-"  
  
Duo: "Four hundred people!! You've got to be kidding!"  
  
Trowa: "Where is this going to be held?"  
  
Quatre: "I'm getting there . . . Hm, chicken, fish, wine . . . Ah, the wedding will be held, with the agreement of the owner, at the. . . Never mind." Set's the papers on the desk.  
  
Trowa: " . . . Where is it going to be held Quatre?"  
  
Quatre: "Some mansion, it doesn't matter where."  
  
Wufei: "Winner. . ."  
  
Heero: "Quatre, you didn't.  
  
Duo: Snatches the speech.  
  
Quatre: "Hey! Give me that!"  
  
Duo: "The wedding will be held at. . . AH HA! The Winner Mansion!"  
  
Wufei: "Quatre how could you agree to this?"  
  
Quatre: "I didn't!"  
  
Duo: "Then how come she's got a signed contract with your name on it?" Waves it around.  
  
Heero: "Didn't agree to it did you?"  
  
Quatre: "Let me see that!" Takes the contract.  
  
Trowa: "Did you sign it?"  
  
Quatre: ". . . Well, yes now that I've seen this but-"  
  
Wufei: "Geez Winner."  
  
Quatre: "But I didn't know what it was!"  
  
Trowa: "Hey guys-"  
  
Duo: "Don't you know to read everything before you sign it?"  
  
Trowa: "Guys,"  
  
Wufei: "This coming from someone who would sign for an entire year's supply of crap we don't need and then find out you have to pay for it in full?"  
  
Duo: "I only did that once."  
  
Wufei: "And I had to pay!"  
  
Trowa: "Guys!"  
  
Wufei: Duo: "WHAT?"  
  
Trowa: Points to the camera.  
  
Duo: "Oh yeah."  
  
Wufei: ". . . Why are we still on the air!?"  
  
Quatre: "Relena booked us for an hour."  
  
Wufei: "But this wouldn't take an hour unless. . . Oh Kami."  
  
Unknown: (A.N. Yeah right) "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooooooooooooooooo!"  
  
Duo: "Uh oh."  
  
Quatre: Puts his head in his hands quietly praying. "Please don't let anyone get hurt too bad."  
  
Heero: Stands up reaching for his gun. "Be right back." Walks out of sight of the camera.  
  
Trowa: "Oh boy."  
  
BANG! BANG!  
  
The screen blanks out and then comes back on with 'Please stand by.' Despite that, the T.V. Company failed to mute the sounds.  
  
Unknown: "Heero what are you doing?! That was my wedding dress!"  
  
BANG! BANG!  
  
Unknown: "Hey it took two months to get that tux made for you!"  
  
Heero: "I'm going to kill you Relena!"  
  
Relena is the unknown! (Duh!) : "Heero stop it! We're supposed to be on T.V. to talk about the wedding!"  
  
A bunch of gunfire is heard.  
  
Relena: "AUGH! My hair! Heero that was my hair!"  
  
Heero: "If you hadn't moved, it wouldn't have been your hair!"  
  
The screen goes back to normal and you see everyone but Heero and Relena who you can still hear in the background.  
  
Quatre: Shakes his head.  
  
Wufei: Smirking.  
  
Trowa: ". . . "  
  
Duo: "We'll be back right after these commercials."  
  
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Okay, I don't think this was as good as the first chapter but please still R&R to tell me what you think! 


	3. They've got their ratings!

Hey there every one! I'm so sorry that it took *Gulp* more than a year to write this chapter but I kinda ran into writers block. *Muttering* Ha. I practically cracked my skull open running into it. . . Ahem.  
Soo, when I almost had the third chapter finished my computer crashed and it was erased. ( Anyway, this is the last chapter. There will be some OOCness and it probably isn't as funny as the first one. . . Actually the first one was the only real funny one.  
~Sigh~ I'm suffering from low self esteem. Can you tell? All the more reason for you guys to review! Now go ahead and enjoy! *Cough*Review!*Cough*  
  
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not owned by me. *Lawyers look at her suspiciously* . . . Really it isn't. *They continue to stare* . . . I'm serious you blood sucking demons!! *Still staring* Can I talk to your leader or something?!? *One of the lawyers come forward and hands her a ton papers* "Our clients would appreciate it if you signed some forms that prove you do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters that might be mentioned in the story." Fine! Read on people, this is going to take a while. *Starts signing hundreds of copy write papers*  
  
Gundam America.  
  
~Back from commercial~  
  
Quatre has his head lying on the desk while Duo keeps checking his watch hoping somehow it would make time go faster. Trowa and Wufei are talking quietly about whether Heero will kill Relena or just seriously wound her.  
  
Suddenly Relena runs on the set and ducks behind Quatre, trying to use him as a shield. Her hair is now short is some places and longer in others.  
  
Relena: "Heero! Stop right now! I'm starting to wonder if you're mad at me or something!"  
  
Duo: Rolls his eyes. "Ya think? He's only trying to shoot your head off."  
  
Heero: Appears on stage pointing his gun at Quatre trying to aim for Relena.  
  
Relena: "Quatre, make him stop! He's ruining everything!"  
  
Quatre: "Frankly Miss Relena, you got yourself into this. And hey-! What are you hiding behind me for??"  
  
Trowa: "Apparently hoping for some one to save her. And we all know who that some one is."  
  
Wufei: "Duo, I've got a pool going that bets Relena will be dead by the end of this hour. Want in?"  
  
Quatre: "That is not appropriate Wufei!"  
  
Duo: "Oh! I bet fifty bucks!"  
  
Quatre: Clenches his teeth.  
  
Heero: "Prepare to die Witchcraft!"  
  
Duo: "Hey, that's a pretty good nickname."  
  
Relena: "Augh! Quatre! Help me!"  
  
Quatre: Stands up and slams his fists on the desk. "ENOUGH!!!"  
  
Heero: Wufei: Duo: Relena: Trowa: ". . . . . . ."  
  
Quatre: Glares at each of them so coldly that it sends a chill up their spines. "Wufei, no bets. Duo, keep your mouth shut. Trowa, just sit there. Heero, sit next to me. Relena, sit as far from Heero as you possible can."  
  
All of them do as they're told, not liking the mad glint in Quatre's eyes.  
  
Quatre: Takes a few breaths. "Now,-" He stops as if just realizing something. ". . . Are we still on the air?"  
  
They slowly look forward at the blinking light on the cameras, indicating they're still live.  
  
Quatre: Slumps into his seat. "Wonderful. . . Why haven't we been taken off?!"  
  
A T.V. director walks into view smiling.  
  
Director: "Our ratings are going through the roof! We've never had them this high since all we have on is Relena making a bunch of boring speeches."  
  
Relena: Is trying to fix her hair where she hears that remark. "Excuse me??"  
  
Director: Looks at her. "That's right. I said boring. We've lost millions because of you." He looks back at Quatre, "Anyway, we want you to continue this! Mr. Yuy, threaten a little more."  
  
Heero: Takes out his gun and points at the director. "You're going to die."  
  
Director: "Wonderful! Keep doing that, only threaten Relena."  
  
Heero cocks the gun but Quatre quickly takes it from his hand.  
  
Wufei: "We are not here to entertain you weaklings."  
  
Director: "And believe me Mr. Chang, you aren't." He looks at some papers in his hands. "According to our polls you are the least entertaining of the group. Well, except when you chase Mr. Maxwell around."  
  
Wufei takes out his katana and is about to jump over the desk when Quatre glares at him. "Do not."  
  
Wufei: Sits back down gulping nervously.  
  
Quatre: "Sir. If you do not get off the set this instant I will let you be at their mercy."  
  
The director gulps also and scrambles off, tripping over some cables while doing so.  
  
Relena: "Now that everyone has calmed down, we can talk about the wedding!"  
  
Quatre's eye twitches.  
  
That is the only warning given.  
  
Suddenly he jumps on Relena and begins to strangle her.  
  
Quatre: "HOW ON EARTH CAN YOU BE SO THICK?!? HEERO DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY YOU!! NO ONE EVEN WANTS TO BE NEAR YOU!!!"  
  
Duo: ~Blink~  
  
Trowa: ~Blink~  
  
Wufei: ~Blink~  
  
Heero: ~Stare~  
  
Relena: ~Gag!~  
  
Quatre: "I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU MYSELF RIGHT NOW!"  
  
Duo: ". . . Uhh, should we, like, do something?"  
  
Heero: ~Blink Blink~ "Why?"  
  
Wufei: "I say let Winner go at it. Better her than us."  
  
Relena: "Some one ~Gag~ help me!"  
  
Quatre: "Shut up and die!"  
  
Duo: Gently grabs Quatre's arm. "Okay, I think that's enough of that. Hey bud, you need to snap out of it."  
  
Quatre: "Not until she's dead!"  
  
Wufei: Whispers to Trowa, "It's not as if he can just kill her by cutting off air to the brain. She lacks the key element."  
  
Duo: "Uh, Wufei? Trowa? Care to help me out here?"  
  
Trowa: "We really should. . ."  
  
Wufei: ~Sigh~ "Fine."  
  
They both help Duo pull Quatre off the choking girl.  
  
Relena: *Cough Cough*  
  
Quatre: "Let me go!"  
  
Duo: "Not a chance! You're going Zero System on her!"  
  
Quatre: "As if that's a bad thing?!"  
  
Relena: "*Cough* Heero! He tried to kill me!"  
  
Heero: "So?"  
  
Relena: "Well aren't you going to do some thing??"  
  
Heero: "No."  
  
Trowa: "Are you okay Quatre?"  
  
Quatre: Takes a few deep breaths. "I'm fine. You guys can let me go. I'm sorry. I just lost it for a minute there."  
  
Wufei: "Are you sure Winner?"  
  
Quatre: "Yeah, I'm sure."  
  
Duo: Shrugs. "Okay."  
  
They all let him go and he straightens out the tie of his suit.  
  
Duo: "Now that that's settled with-"  
  
Quatre: "DIE RELENA!" He jumps back on the girl and continues to strangle her.  
  
Wufei: "Great."  
  
Trowa: "Heero. Why don't you help us?"  
  
Heero: "Because my idea of helping is killing her."  
  
Trowa: ". . . Never mind."  
  
Wufei: Pulls Quatre's hands behind his back. "Stop it! Don't bring yourself to this level!"  
  
They struggle a bit more until Duo drags Quatre down to the floor behind the desk*  
  
Duo: ". . . We're okay. I'm currently sitting on his legs and Wufei is holding his arms. I think Relena will be safe if we keep him like this."  
  
Trowa: "What are Heero and I suppose to do?"  
  
Duo: "Uh, keep things going?"  
  
Wufei: "I've got a better idea. Shoot those damn cameras and let's leave."  
  
Relena: "What is the matter with you all? This should be a celebrated occasion! Yet, ever since I arrived you have been nothing but hostile towards everyone!"  
  
Duo: "Not everyone, mainly you."  
  
Relena: "Exactly! I have not heard one person say congratulations about the engagement."  
  
Trowa, Heero, Duo, and Wufei look at each other.  
  
Duo: ". . . Screw it. Have fun Quatre!"  
  
He stands up off the boy's legs and Wufei releases his arms.  
  
In no time Quatre is on his feet glaring at Relena.  
  
Relena: "Aghh!  
  
She quickly runs off the set with him at her heels.  
  
Heero: "That's something I don't mind seeing everyday."  
  
Trowa: "Very entertaining."  
  
Wufei: "Better than Heero threatening her with his gun."  
  
They each nod.  
  
Duo: "One problem though. We really can't let Quatre kill her."  
  
Trowa: ~Sighs~ "Yes, I know."  
  
Wufei: "So what do we do?"  
  
Heero: "I have an idea."  
  
He stands up and walks towards one of the camera men.  
  
Heero: "If you and your co-workers value their lives you will turn these cameras off."  
  
Director: Looks unhappily at him. "But we still have twenty minutes!"  
  
Heero: "You can turn them back on in ten. I guarantee it will be worth your time. Now do it."  
  
Director: ". . . Very well. Cut the signal! Do a long commercial break or something!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Blip~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
~Ten Minutes later~  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Blip~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
All five pilots are sitting comfortably in their seats smirking about something.  
  
Quatre: "I must admit Heero. That was a good idea. I can't believe we never thought of it."  
  
Duo: "Yeah, it crossed my mind once or twice but I never took the idea seriously."  
  
Wufei: "At least now that onna can't cause anyone anymore trouble."  
  
Trowa: "And it was all done without harming her. I'm impressed."  
  
Heero: "And now that it's done, we won't be needing this."  
  
He rips up all of her wedding plans and Quatre's signed agreement to use his mansion.  
  
Suddenly you see two men in white uniforms dragging Relena away in a straight jacket.  
  
Relena: "Heero! How dare you let them do this to me! I know you're mad about something but we can work it out. . . HEERO?!"  
  
The exit door to the studio opens and slams shut, signaling the end of the nightmare.  
  
Duo: "Ahh! I almost forgot what silence felt like. Congratulations Heero. You've rid yourself of the Witchcraft! What will you do next?"  
  
Heero: "I was thinking about placing you two together."  
  
Duo: ~Gulp~  
  
Wufei: "Can we go now?"  
  
Trowa: Raises an eyebrow at the director. "Yes, can we?"  
  
Director: "Of course!" He walks on the screen and shakes their hands. "I thank you so much! Now we can start doing what I've always dreamed of!"  
  
Quatre: "And what is that?"  
  
Director: "To play Anime twenty-four seven!"  
  
Quatre:Duo:Wufei:Trowa:Heero: ". . . . . . . . . . ."  
  
Quatre: "Sounds great!"  
  
Duo: "You can bet I'll watch!"  
  
Wufei: "How about some good action animes like DBZ?"  
  
Trowa: "But no more Gundam stuff. That's getting boring."  
  
Heero: "We all know there was only one good Gundam series anyway."  
  
They each exit the studio talking about what they'd like to see on the new and improved Relena-free channel.  
  
End.  
  
Yeaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
I finished it! It's finally done! I'm rid of the guilt! Hurray!!  
  
~Clears throat~  
  
That doesn't mean I don't need people to review it though. Please do so. If you're a FF writer you know how great it feels to get a review.  
  
I'd like to thank the following for helping in this story. . . Everyone! Especially my little brother who was willing to read it and give me suggestions to make it just a bit more entertaining. You should check out his story Gundam Project. It's really good and on my authors name. There are three chapters written of that so far. And only one up. It will only be updated if you review.  
  
Ja ne! 


End file.
